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LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Fiction, Flash Fiction and ProseEnd of Cycle (Edited to shit - Who's your Daddy! Remix)
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redperil
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« on: July 07, 2010, 11:50:13 AM »


End of Cycle

In the dust and dirt of the old laundrette, a small dog curled into a pile of lint. It watched as folks came and went. They filled the large machines, poured powder and liquid, dropped coins, then left their wash to its own devices. No one noticed the dog, hungry and doe eyed, huddled between a pile of wash baskets and a pile of magazines. The dog was silent, accustomed to seeking refuge where it wasn't wanted, or needed.

As the sun set in an unspectacular fashion, office workers began to file in, cash in hand, ready to collect their service wash. A few arguments broke out about bleached jeans and shrunken jumpers, but it was just the passing of deeper frustrations between strangers. The dog knew the onset of night would bring about a search for new shelter, but right now it was content to just watch these folks going about their routines which kept them sane.

The owner of the laundrette closed the shop and took up his broom. For a place where people come to clean, they sure leave things dirty, thought the old man. He cleaned the large washers and dryers, tossed lonely socks into a basket, collected empty drink cans, re-stacked the magazines and finally, he turned out the lights. He stood in the shop doorway and lit a cigarette, watched the people make their way home, or make their way out, or maybe, he thought, just make their way.

The dog stood up and stretched. It had been a quiet day, but he was glad of that. He trotted up behind the old man before taking a place at his heel. They both watched the last of the sun, knowing it would all start again tomorrow.
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Father Luke
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« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2010, 01:23:11 PM »


Well, you've made it more subtle. And the new direction is nice. But you really need
to go through and prune a bit.

Like this...

End of Cycle

In the dust and dirt of the old laundrette, a small dog curled into a pile of lint.




I'm trying to imagine Jenifer curling into a pile of lint. Or anyone or anything.
Shape-shifting is exciting, isn't it?


Oh.

I mean...uh. Wait. I see. The little dog curled up to sleep amidst a pile of lint?
Like that you mean. Sorry.


But I don't like dust and dirt of an old launderette.

Red? Lots of telling here. Show me, man.


Also? Include more of the senses:

The Launderette smelled dusty, and...

Like that.


Here's the thing. The new direction is great.
But...

doe eyed
As the sun set in an unspectacular fashion


I've seen you write better. Give me more.
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"The castigation of fools is, of course, an ancient and honorable task of writers and, unless very poorly done, an enterprise that will usually entertain those who behold it."
                                                                                                                    ~  Richard Mitchell
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redperil
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2010, 09:08:03 AM »


I think I need to stop avoiding writing about what I know. Creating purely fictional scenes gives me a distance, which I think accounts for the lack of senses. I'm not going to get into it here, but let's just say my avoidance of certain subjects/persons is hindering my writing. An enforced writers block I suppose.

The things you pointed out are good pointers. I appreciate the time you've taken to help me with this piece. I think I've probably taken it as far as I can/want.

Next week, my struggles with a carotene addiction and the woman who stole my lunch money.
(the following picture does not explain how I managed to get an Art Degree...)


End of Cycle (Edited to shit - Who's your Daddy! Remix)

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Father Luke
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« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2010, 06:01:50 PM »


I think I need to stop avoiding writing about what I know.




Dude, it's all fiction.

Writing what you know about can be expressed fictionally:

Ludlum
Heinlen
Mark Twain
Vonnegut
Bukowski


I mean it's legion, you know?

But yeah, personal life can interfere in fiction. Uh huh.


How do you deal with that?
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"The castigation of fools is, of course, an ancient and honorable task of writers and, unless very poorly done, an enterprise that will usually entertain those who behold it."
                                                                                                                    ~  Richard Mitchell
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