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[Carol]

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Ok, I've re-drafted this with the help of a few critiques. Be interested to hear what people think. The word count has gone up to 491.

Invasion

Baby’s cries would not stop. Even the cool breezes rustling across the forest glade did little to calm Masie’s baby today. George returned from the front of the group, urging her to keep up. He was in charge and the safety of the whole family was vital to him, but Baby’s urgent cries blotted out any caution she might feel.  Knowing he would not challenge her maternal instinct, Masie ignored George, and settled down to feed her hungry daughter.

Masie was the youngest of three children. She was born just two years before the first big exodus. Her mother and two older sisters died that day. If George had not swept her up as he raced past, she too would have died.

As Baby suckled, Masie remembered happier times. Playing and laughing with the others, feeling safe and happy as they gathered fruit from the grove by the river. That little copse was long gone. In its place, a black, barren landscape where no trees grow. The river runs dark and sluggish now, clotted with bark from broken trees. The water is no longer sweet.

George had led them to safety many times since that fateful day. Would this invasion never end? Their food supplies were dwindling. Finding a safe haven away from all the horror was getting harder by the day.

Masie had seen “The Others” once, quite by accident; she sat very still and watched. Not so different from us, she thought, even their faces. But they were as noisy as the great beast they controlled that destroys everything. The smell was horrible. They sat in their circle, and seemed to laugh or shout but she didn’t know which. As she watched, Masie saw something that gave her hope for the future. One of them put something in his mouth. She realised they were eating and drinking. She hugged herself with glee and hurried off to tell the family.

George said their need for food and water didn’t matter. They were stupid, ignorant, creatures, destroying everything in their path. Masie didn’t quite believe him. She clung to the hope that their need for food and water would prevent them from destroying the whole world.

It was getting dark and the rest of the family were long gone. Masie listened intently for a moment. Yes, the insistent drone was louder.

“Sorry Baby, we have to go now,” she whispered to the infant cradled in her lap.

Gathering her little one into her arms, she swung into the easy lope perfected over many years of fright and flight. Soon she would be deep in the trees again, safe in the center of the family. She moved swiftly, following the trail left by the others and wondered where they would stop tonight.

When Masie caught up, everyone had settled down to sleep. Gently cradling her baby, she slipped into the sleeping place George had made and snuggled up to the great Silverback.

[Father Luke]

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This is a fine example of a piece of writing that doesn't have the passive voice.

I have a few minor recommendations, but all it all it works. Even the twist at the end. Not being a fan of surprise finishes, I'm surprised I enjoyed this.

Carol's writing is tight.

Here are my observations:

The baby's fretful cries would not stop.

I wanted to read simply cries rather than fretful cries. But in retrospect the simpler "cries" wouldn't work, and the fretful served to move the story forward.

Even the cool breezes rustling across the forest glen did little to calm the child today. George returned from the front of the group, urging her to keep up. He was in charge and the safety of the whole family was paramount,

Paramount is not always a common word. There is a rule, I'll quote it here:

"Generally prefer simpler words.

Use the simpler, more familiar word whenever possible.  Simpler words make your
writing easy to read.  Using simpler words will help to make your meaning clear so
your readers can concentrate on the message.

For example:

Please endeavor to ascertain the truth.

Please try to find out the truth.

Additional assistance is required to promote the company.

More help is needed to promote the company.

Use the complex word only when you need its precise meaning or when no simpler word fits.

Substitute the simpler and more familiar word whenever possible.

Now, Carol, your level of writing indicates to me that you are well familiar with
the common rules of good writing, I'm repeating the rule here so that other writers
may become familiar with it.

but the urgent cries of the infant blotted out any caution she might feel.  She ignored him knowing he would not challenge her maternal decision, and settled down to feed her hungry daughter.
 
Masie was the youngest of three children born just two years before the first big defeat. Her mother and two older sisters died that day. If George had not swept her up as he raced past, she too would have died.

As the baby suckled, she remembered happier times. Playing and laughing with other children feeling safe and happy as they gathered fruit from the grove by the river. The grove was long gone. In its place was a black barren landscape, where no trees grew. The river ran dark and sluggish now, the water no longer sweet. 

George had led them to safety many times since that fateful day. Would this invasion never end? Their food supplies were dwindling and finding a safe haven away from all the horror was getting harder by the day.

She’d seen them once, quite by accident;

Using quite might be considered over writing. Note:

She’d seen them once, quite by accident . . .
She’d seen them once by accident . . .


the "quite" only serves to remind me that I am reading a story, and really does nothing to forward the momentum.

she sat very still and watched.

Very could also be considered over writing:

she sat very still and watched.
she sat still and watched.

Not so different from us she thought, except for their faces. Noisy though and the smell was horrible. They were sitting in a circle laughing and shouting but she didn't know what at.

Then she saw the one thing that gave her hope for the future.

I would prefer:

Then she saw something that gave her hope for the future.



Again. I'm not so fond of the surprise ending. But it worked.

Hope this helps. And welcome to Mary.


 

- -
Okay,
Father Luke

[Carol]

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Father Luke, thank you for taking time out to critic this for me. Feed back like this is much appreciated.

[skafloc]

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Lovely piece.  Powerful, considering it's so short.