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LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Fiction, Flash Fiction and ProseYaikal of the white world
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Author Topic: Yaikal of the white world  (Read 259 times)
paulfclayton
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« on: April 28, 2011, 04:58:48 PM »


The land was white, not pure white, but different shades of white, a bleached white, probably due to the close proximity of the world's sun. A couple of decades ago, before the world's orbit shifted, it was capable of sustaining life, but no longer. Nothing lived in this inhospitable white world. Nothing but an exceptional ten year old male named Yaikal. He had miraculously and unexplainably lived without sustenance in the total solitude of this white world. Impossible by all that we understand, yet he lives.
Yaikal picked up a rock and began to scrape the trunk of a dead tree. Instantly the white powdery bark crumbled, dropping to the ground in a heavy clump, creating a white powdery cloud. As the white dust cleared and settled, Yaikal stared at something he seldom saw … colour.

Sometime later Yaikal was overwhelmed by an array of colour when the beings came in their vehicle from the sky. Yaikal had kept hidden away, watching the beings in their bulky, colourful suits, collecting samples from the ground and sealing them in containers and bags, but his curiosity lured him into his being discovered by the beings. One of the beings, the only female, was particularly interested in Yaikal. She held his head, tipping it back looking into his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. Then she looked closer using metallic instruments. Yaikal tried to make a grab for her instruments only to be told "No" by the female.
"What is it you're looking for?" asked Yaikal
Sarah, the female, fell to her backside in the white dust in astonishment. She clearly hadn't expected this child to speak to her in her own tongue. From that moment she bombarded Yaikal with question after question, all receiving the same answer, "I don't know"

One of the male beings noticed a thin film of white dust had formed on the hull of his vessel. With his gloved hand and index finger outstretched, he scored a line on the vessel exposing the silvery finish beneath. He concluded to himself that the dust must have blown onto the vessel and so continued to investigate the terrain of the white world, oblivious to his error in judgment in that there was no wind to coat the vessel in dust.

Yaikal could see the frustration in Sarah's eyes and felt sorry that he couldn't help. "I can't tell you what I don't know," Yaikal sighed, "but I can tell you what I think"
"And what do you think?" asked Sarah
"Well," said Yaikal, "I think I became me after the first sky ship came, because I remember I came out of it"
Sarah was astounded. "What ship?" she asked
"One like yours", Yaikal replied
Sarah was crouched in front of Yaikal. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer. "When did the ship leave?" she asked
"It didn't" replied Yaikal, "it's still here"
Sarah looked wide eyed with astonishment. "Can you show me?" she asked
Yaikal nodded, took her hand and began to lead her across the plain to a steep white mound. As they reached the top of the mound, Sarah could see a large white crystalline structure with a small, ramped hatch like opening beneath.
"That is where I came from" said Yaikal, pointing toward the opening

Sarah crawled through the opening into what was instantly recognisable as the control centre of a space exploration vehicle, even though everything was frosted white. There was a series of five swivel chairs with consoles on swinging arms in front, evenly spaced around a large wall mounted view screen. Sarah made her way to the nearest station, motioning to Yaikal with a wave to stay at the entrance. Sarah brushed the first console screen with her gloved hand in the hope of exposing some salvageable information. Of course there was no power to the console but there may well be some decipherable screen burn. It was unlikely however. Sarah brushed a little harder and to her shock, the console crumbled, falling onto the chair, which in turn, crumbled. The whole station became nothing more than a pile of white salt like dust.

Just then, the red L.E.D. on Sarah's belt began to flash, signalling that she was required back at the ship, but the flashing ceased as quickly as it had begun. This puzzled Sarah. Perhaps she wasn't wanted after all, but still, she needed to go back to tell her crewmates of her discovery. Sarah clambered out of the vessel and took Yaikal's hand and led the way back to her vessel. Upon her approach she was horrified to see her vessel was completely frosted white, much like the crew stations on the other vessel. She stood at the entrance and slapped the palm of her hand on the side wall. To her relief it resonated and seemed sturdy enough.

Sarah instructed Yaikal to stay outside, and then made her way through the vessel to find her crewmates grouped around the dining table. Senior officer Yates looked gravely concerned. Yates held up one of the food parcels in demonstration to Sarah, and then tipped the contents onto the table in front of him. It had become nothing more than a white granular dust. "I have made a similar discovery", said Sarah, "We have to leave here … now!"
"We can't" Yates said coldly, holding up a fuel pod, which he unscrewed and again tipped onto the table. It also, had become a white granular substance.
"We must signal an S.O.S." stated Sarah
"We can't" said Yates, "No power"
"Then what can we do?" asked Sarah, "Are we to just die here?"
There was no response, just a long and awkward silence
"How long?" asked Sarah
Yates just shook his head in utter defeat

Yaikal sat outside for a long time. He waited and he waited and he waited
Eventually his wait was over. A small hatch cracked open at the base of the vessel and a young infant was seen to appear. Yaikal jumped to his feet and ran excitedly to the hatch
"Ah, there you are" he said. Yaikal crouched down and stretched his arms out to the infant beckoning
"Come on", he said, "Come to Yaikal"
The infant stopped crawling momentarily and smiled at Yaikal
"Come to me Sarah"

The End
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Nick
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« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2011, 07:05:46 PM »


What do you want done with this one, Paul?
Crit wise, that is.
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A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
paulfclayton
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« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2011, 02:38:21 PM »


I imagine there are loads of holes, gramatical errors and so on in this
I wrote this on a hotel balcony in Turkey
personally, i feel the end is ... somewhat abrupt
But I did like the premise initially, so had to draft it out
what do you think? I won't be offended if you think it's crap ... honest
Paul
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Nick
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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2011, 05:35:54 PM »


I like the premise.
It could do without message obfuscating modifiers such as "probably", "A couple". And there are some sentences that would benefit from restructuring.

If this came into being as an imagination limbering exercise it is perfect as it sits. 
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A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
paulfclayton
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« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2011, 02:58:56 PM »


Nick
Thanks very much
Paul
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