next »

[WordMan2010]

At one time
he could run through
a wall regardless of
the material it was made of
or the thickness of structure

now he falls
walking up stairs
his legs to
weak to pull
himself up

there are a million things
i fear about
his death

who will i talk to
when I'm sick of
dealing with the
"humanity" outside

who will i eat dinner
with when there isn't
panting underneath
the kitchen table

who will i sleep next
to on nights of
loneliness

and how will i
carry him out of here
when he's dead and
gone

[Henry William Creshdon III]

Greetings, WordMan2010! It appears you're new around these parts, so let me welcome you to this little slice of cyberweb heaven.

Regarding the poem, I actually like the idea behind this, but am not too fond on the execution.
The enjambment throughout seems disjointed and, in my opinion, does not help move this piece along at all. At times it seemed like you broke an idea apart simply for the sake of form and not having that "awkward" long line. This might benefit from some condensing, pulling the whole piece together into a longer lined form. This would certainly eliminate much of the "bad" enjambment I'm seeing here.
"he could run through
a wall regardless of"
Above is an example of the enjambment which seems to rub against my grain. "a wall regardless of" falls flat and doesn't punch me with much meaning. My personal opinion is to not end lines with deflated words like "of".

You might want to try thinking more about the meaning you're leaving the audience with. What words could be cut without compromising the overall message?

The strongest image I'm getting out of this is the closing stanza. I actually really appreciate the comparison between physical and emotional weight - though the last two lines suffer a bit from the enjambment issue I touched on earlier.

I could do without three of the stanzas which pose their ideas in question form ("who will...").

"to" in S2 (L8) should be "too".

IMHO, great idea, but I would think about approaching this from a different angle.

Keep it up!
HWCIII 

[Father Luke]

I like it. It has fiber. I had to look up a lot of the words Henry William Creshdon III
used, though. Jenifer is playing with the kitten, not a euphemism, on the bed
and I asked her the meaning of the words, and I decided to look them up instead.

So, I learned a few words.

Anyway.


Technical stuff. You're going to have to go through and decide if you want
your i's UPPER CASE or lower case I's. You have both.

Too should be spelled too, not to here:

his legs to
weak to pull


...so it would look like this:

his legs too
weak to pull


I've been on a kick recently that writers-- poets too, I guess? -- don't
capture moments so much as create them. Seems like everyone is creating
in the present tense anymore, and "Once Upon A Tyme..." is nevermore...

_{(wipes tear)}

Sorry to be glib. You've written a touching piece, but go through it and
touch up the grammar. The Mona Lisa even gets dusted occasionally, know what
I mean Vern? Really the i's and the lack of punctuation don't do anything
for it.

Write it correctly, and let the strength of the piece rest on the imagery.
It needs that respect you can give it. It's a touching piece.

Hope that helps.

[Vincent Turner]

yes, like this very much.

Father luke has pointed out the tecnical stuff, so have nothing to add there.

so will just say that, yes, it evoked some strong memories and feelings for me, and i like the way this can apply to both a human and an animal.


I was really taken by the four lines below.

now he falls
walking up stairs
his legs to
weak to pull
himself up

This is a strong image and one that i can easily picture.

who will i eat dinner
with when there isn't
panting underneath
the kitchen table

I often envy poems/poets of this style, too often i soak my poems in imagery, over wording etc, this is trim, controlled, direct, but evocative.

nicely done.

best regards

Vincent

[WordMan2010]

I appreciate all the feedback.  I should explain my "style" of writing . . .  ha.  I tend to only write when I drink . . .  and, for that, I have no "style" it just flows out from my drunken mind to keyboard. 

Spelling, grammar, I's and i's get raped by my drunken mind as i type, sometimes :)

I love to write . . .  it's a great release, and i'm glad to have found all of you . . .  and all of your words. 

Again, thank you for the feedback!

[Father Luke]

Yeah, but... style includes all that shit. Ever hear of Todd Moore?

i don’t want
to write like
charles bu
kowski
writing like
bukowski
means
i gotta
wear his
face & i
gotta wear
his meat
& i don’t
want to
wear a
dead man’s
face or
meat i
don’t want
to write
like charles
bukowski
& i don’t
want to
write like
hunter s
thompson
writing like
thompson
means i
gotta do
his fucked
up brand
of crazy
& even tho
i very much
admire the
way that
crazy danced
all thru
his blood i
don’t want
to write
like hunter
s thompson
& i don’t
want to
write like
cormac
mccarthy
as much as
i love blood
meridian i
hate novels
reading them
gives me
the shits i’d
rather write
a poem abt
murder in
the way that
only murder
can fall in
love w/
murder
i don’t want
to write in
the glorious
texan grunge
of american
shakespearian
chaw stinking
scalphunters
jacking off
into skull
caps on the
mexican border
& some
days i
stagger out
of bed go
to the
mirror &
say are you
still here
& then a
demon
dressed up
as dillinger
steps out
of the sha
dows taps
me on the
shoulder
w/a machine
gun barrel
& sez
don’t fuck
w/me amigo
just start
laying that
todd moore
line down on
the page
& i give him
a long
loving ex
tended finger
& start the
poem going
again

Found here: http://outlawpoetry.com/2009/02/25/todd-moore-i-dont-want/


Writing with the uncapitalized i and misspelling words is part of his style. If that's the way you want to write, dude, have at it. Have the balls to say:

YOu know what/ tHat'S tHe waY i rite.

Asking for what you are looking for in your feedback is style, too.
Sometimes I want someone to look over something I've written and see if I've
omitted any specific points. Or maybe I'm looking to see if I've developed a
character the way I wanted.

So, it would help me, because I don't know you (I have worked with nearly everyone
else at Mary for a long time... and even live with some of them)it would help to
know what you're looking for in the way of feedback. Like:

Hey. I'm interested in seeing if this moves you. It's something I wrote down
in a hurry before the idea ran away, and i want to know if it seems as good to
you guys as it does to me. I know I'm a retard about the spelling (and I write this drooling on my bib - so fuck me if I offend you using the word retard) ...I know I'm
retarded about the grammar, but I wanted to get the idea down.

You know? Like that.

Anyway, I wanted to ask. Is this something you made up? Or did it really happen?
Just curious.

And welcome to Mary, if I haven't said so yet.

 

[WordMan2010]

Father Luke,

It is real.  It's about my dog, he's slowly dying.  I catch him on the stares, wanting to quit - but he pushes on.  I recently read a fine poem by David Barker about his dog.  It touched me, and as it is a common theme to my poetry as well (my dog, that is, not David . . .  :) ) it inspired me that night.

What am I hear for? Basically to see if i do, indeed touch anyone with my writing.  I share with friends - but you know how that is, you wonder if your getting genuine feedback.  Are they just being nice, etc.

My "style" is lazy.  Sometimes i go back and correct the misspellings.  Or retarded grammar.  Sometimes i don't.  I apologize to anyone who hates that type of writer. 

I just love the idea of having a community that I can share my writings with.

[Father Luke]

Father Luke,

It is real.  It's about my dog, he's slowly dying.  I catch him on the

The problem with a spell checker is that it helps lazy people appear ignorant, and illiterate.

stairs

stares, wanting to quit - but he pushes on.  I recently read a fine poem by David Barker about his dog.  It touched me, and as it is a common theme to my poetry as well (my dog, that is, not David . . .  ) it inspired me that night.

Inspiration is good. Is that the only way you write? Can you write without inspiration? I don't mean
uninspired writing. Do you know what I mean?

Can you sit down, at any given time, and write something inspired?

What am I

...see note about spell check above. Lazy doesn't cut it.

here

hear for? Basically to see if i do, indeed touch anyone with my writing.  I share with friends - but you know how that is, you wonder if

you're

your getting genuine feedback.  Are they just being nice, etc.

My "style" is lazy.  Sometimes i go back and correct the misspellings.  Or retarded grammar.  Sometimes i don't.  I apologize to anyone who hates that type of writer. 

I just love the idea of having a community that I can share my writings with.

Yeah. Great.

[WordMan2010]

Info taken.  Won't come back.  Sorry to paint shit on your wall, sir.

[Father Luke]

So, the only thing you got out of this was that you think I'm a prick?

Good luck friend. I think you'll need it.

I mean, Jesus fuck? I asked him about his writing process...

Inspiration is good. Is that the only way you write? Can you write without inspiration? I don't mean
uninspired writing. Do you know what I mean?

Can you sit down, at any given time, and write something inspired?

I wrote an honest opinion about what I...


Hey you know what?
Fuck you.

Have a nice time being a writer.


Jerk.

[WordMan2010]

Don't feel bad, Father.

I still think your pretty.

[Father Luke]

Don't feel bad, Father.

I still think

same mistake - you're

your pretty.

I really am, you know.

[redperil]

Billy Childish has made his dyslexia a feature of his writing. But lazy writing just inspires lazy reading. Use the handy mary spell check, and don't feed the dog after midnight!

[Father Luke]

It's almost like there is a kit somewhere on how to be a douche-bag writer.

1.) Never capitalize your pronouns
2.) Imagine yourself as misunderstood
3.) Only write in the first person
4.) Use the present tense

...and so forth.

[Corndog]

Have the same tenacity as the Dog! Take the Tips and advice you need, be a little thicker skinned.

I enjoyed the poem, you have some promise Wordman2010.