First Colin, I think the last two lines should be the title, instead of 'A Suicide'.
Kory smoked weed constantly. (I would like to see you drop 'constantly' and maybe use some repetition or other device to underscore the word.)
He was nervous about being alive
and having to die.
And not sure
how to feel
in between.
A Father that disowned him
to rent a three star Hotel
in another part of the world.
While his shipped wrecked mother,
worked in an office like a piston
stoned eye ball high with depression.
He walked to school slowly and alone.
Never ironed his shirt.
Never tucked his shirt in.
Eyes of jet blue. Lagoon eyes.
Summer sky blue. You could imagine
the clouds through them. Real beauties. (this is nice. and I like the 'real beauties')
He sat alone at lunch.
Quiet and unassuming. (cut this and leave the rest)
Ate his sandwiches
with a slow gentle chew.
He was gay but he won't know it (can you change 'he won't' to just 'wouldn't'?)
until a few days before his funeral.
Nerves can ruin
a boy's
a man's
a woman's
life. (cut this stanza. this is what the poem is about. no need to tell us)
Some find it hard
to go beyond the door. (?) (what is this stanza doing for the poem?)
Someone should
have taught them
to roar
like a lion
in the private darkness.
To hold themselves
like a weight
like muscle
like a chalice
let the world
glare
without blinking.
Toughten your care. (sp.)
He dangled from the branch
like a pocket watch
on a gold chain
with the time stopped. (not sure about this image. feels bordering on cliche?)
In the stillness
night shadows stretched
the calcium light of moon
illuminates his cold skin. (very nice)
He should have
come out and
danced before
the stunned statues
of quiet prayer's. (this feels like too much to me, too telly. i would rather this be implied in the poem)
His life could
have been an
answer
to a question.
Kiss someone
and mean it. (then if you cut this and used it as the title and ended with the previous stanza it would be a killer ending.)
Always a pleasure.
Jen
Writing and Random Creativity Workshops 
