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22085 Posts in 2155 Topics- by 216 Members - Latest Member: TrudaHannah

May, 22, 2012 - Loading...
LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Poetry and LyricsDandelion falls from a window.
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Author Topic: Dandelion falls from a window.  (Read 552 times)
Olaf
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« on: January 04, 2010, 08:20:51 PM »

the cord
connecting
the ceiling to  
the light bulb
will not hold
my weight.

but from the
open window
I can fly out
all the spin of a
tomahawk,

and the news will cut the smiles
from the smug faces of those suburban colonials
with their petty judgements of what should be done.

All because I wasn't
ashamed to enjoy my self
with Ryan and they couldn't
bring themselves to shove
a dildo up their assholes.

Well, they can clean this shit up
themselves with their carefully
home spun moral cloth.






-a bit of a defiant sophomore attitude there.
why not. a vulgar experiment,  

 

 

 
« Last Edit: January 05, 2010, 08:20:02 AM by Olaf » Logged
Do not confuse ingenuous with ingenious - Olaf

Dedicated to bad writing - Charles Bukowski

'A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.' - James Joyce

The man that cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot -Andre Breton

Who has the courage to go into the dark places where there is nothing but feeling? - Thomas A. Clark

'For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open and every secret should be brought to the light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.' - Mark 4:22-23

Many a clever boy is flogged into a dunce and many an original composition corrected into mediocrity- Sir Walter Scott
 
Nick
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2010, 05:41:28 AM »

I would use 'a tomahawk' rather than 'the tomahawk'. This bit of cutlery is quite common over here. Perhaps more a 'the' type curio in your area?
Would also chop title down to "Dandelion Falls from Window".
Gives it a News Flash/Headline form.

A somewhat Wilde composition, eh?

Keep Going, O.
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A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
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Nick
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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2010, 06:20:45 AM »

Quote from: Olaf on January 04, 2010, 08:20:51 PM
the cord
connecting
the roof to  
the light bulb
will not hold
my weight.
  



I couldn't get this stanza at first. Did some more thinking. Where you use 'roof' (which is the top of a house on the out side) do you mean 'ceiling' (which is the top of a room on the inside )?
« Last Edit: January 05, 2010, 06:25:14 AM by Nick » Logged
A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
Olaf
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« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2010, 08:32:17 AM »

Thanks Nik. Some mistakes, as ever. Wrote this at 4 in the morning.

It is Wilde in nature, live and direct, even ridiculous terrible petulant.

Thanks fir yir thought./
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Do not confuse ingenuous with ingenious - Olaf

Dedicated to bad writing - Charles Bukowski

'A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.' - James Joyce

The man that cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot -Andre Breton

Who has the courage to go into the dark places where there is nothing but feeling? - Thomas A. Clark

'For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open and every secret should be brought to the light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.' - Mark 4:22-23

Many a clever boy is flogged into a dunce and many an original composition corrected into mediocrity- Sir Walter Scott
Vincent Turner
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« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2010, 09:05:22 AM »

Agree with Nick in regards to the "Headline Title"

As for the rest of the poem, i read that you wrote it at 4am, wish i could focus enough at that time to be able to write a poem!!! I think this is a good starting point for a even stronger poem, do what you will with it, but i would like to see if you decide to develop it.

The 4th Stanza threw me at first, and i thought to myself i don't know if that's needed, however i read it again and again, and i think it works well, sort of spins the reader into a stir, makes them read it again....delve a little deeper.

Good to read ya

best regards

Vince
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Sana
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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2010, 11:35:05 AM »

Colin,

Good work!  Smiley
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Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"

T.S. Eliot
--
unpetitfauve
Amber R. Nelson
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« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2010, 04:22:40 PM »

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.

Dandelion comes from the French dent de lion, the tooth of the lion.  This reveals another layer of the poem to me. 

Beautiful work.
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red_sparrow
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2010, 10:38:02 PM »

that last line is ABSOLUTELY brilliant.
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