I found this more interesting on the eye than your song.
In saying that I will be honest, and state that nearly every line is a cliché- every line has probably at one point appeared in the notebook of a teenager in love- don't take this the wrong way, I am not trying to blast your work, I am far from perfect, and considerably less accomplished.
When reading this I do not get the sense of real love, as for me it is not real, it is a poem trying to be overly poetic, I like raw, honest descriptions of love, I want the truth, that the kisses are not always tender, and are more often plagued by a clashing of teeth, bad-breath, eyes open or closed?? laughing during, laughing after, or that sometimes my lovers touch is not heaven but annoying or tickles rather than excites.
I like to read thing I can relate too, maybe its me, maybe I am unfortunate!!!!
What do you think of this??? it might help back up my explanation above.
Love Again by Philip Larkin
Love again: wanking at ten past three
(Surely he's taken her home by now?),
The bedroom hot as a bakery,
The drink gone dead, without showing how
To meet tomorrow, and afterwards,
And the usual pain, like dysentery.
Someone else feeling her breasts and cunt,
Someone else drowned in that lash-wide stare,
And me supposed to be ignorant,
Or find it funny, or not to care,
Even ... but why put it into words?
Isolate rather this element
That spreads through other lives like a tree
And sways them on in a sort of sense
And say why it never worked for me.
Something to do with violence
A long way back, and wrong rewards,
And arrogant eternity.
