next »

[Professor Riffs]

Tweet

It is so
very
still tonight
and Winter has declared
that the air
might be shattered with a glance.
Standing in this moment,
I realize that
my observation
is indeed my participation.
The starkness of night
is so immediate
that it must command
my complete
and total
attention.
The snow resting
on the delicate,
young trees;
the cold symmetry
of every
barely
frosted window pane...
just how is one supposed to react?
Should one suppose
that somewhere,
at the bottom of night,
a master exists
whose ink cannot be frozen?

[redperil]

Tweet

who's ink cannot be frozen?

I think you mean whose. Who's is the compressed form of 'who is'.

I'm not sure about the short lines. The way it's laid out it reads a little like a list of thoughts. Try (just for me!) re-formatting it with longer lines and perhaps just two chunky stanzas. The content itself reads as one of those moments where a writer plonks himself down at the window with a notebook. I like it.

[Professor Riffs]

Tweet

who's ink cannot be frozen?

I think you mean whose. Who's is the compressed form of 'who is'.

I'm not sure about the short lines. The way it's laid out it reads a little like a list of thoughts. Try (just for me!) re-formatting it with longer lines and perhaps just two chunky stanzas. The content itself reads as one of those moments where a writer plonks himself down at the window with a notebook. I like it.

10-4 on 'who's'... must have been a brain fart.  As for the short lines, I did try compressing it into longer lines, and messed with stanzas, but the longer lines quickened the pace so much that it no longer seemed to accurately portray the frigid stillness of the night.  Made the piece too lively.  And yes, I was gazing the window while laying in bed at about 3:am... after the first few lines popped in my head without even trying, figured I had better grab a pen!

[Jenifer]

Tweet

It is so
very  (have you considered cutting 'very' and replacing the single line with 'still'?  this would pause on still, causing your reader to become still... sort of.. and then you could drop 'tonight' to the next line.. picking up the pace and creating an even greater effect on the word 'still'.)
still tonight
and Winter has declared
that the air
might be shattered with a glance.  (is there a way to say this in a way which is less wordy and thus would have more impact and keep in tone with the rest of the poem?)
Standing in this moment,
I realize that (you could totally cut 'that' out here)
my observation
is indeed my participation. (cutting 'indeed' would really make more of an impact)
The starkness of night
is so immediate
that it must command
my complete
and total
attention.
The snow resting
on the delicate,
young trees;
the cold symmetry
of every
barely
frosted window pane...
just how is one supposed to react?
Should one suppose
that somewhere,
at the bottom of night,
a master exists
whose ink cannot be frozen?  (I think you could cut the last five line and let your reader come to these conclusions, or others, in their mind)

This is an interesting and vivid read from you, Riffs.  I enjoyed it muchly.

Jen

[Professor Riffs]

Tweet

It is so
very
still tonight
and Winter has declared
that the air
might be shattered with a glance.
Standing in this moment,
I realize
my observation
is my participation.
The starkness of night
is so immediate
that it must command
my complete
and total
attention.
The snow resting
on the delicate,
young trees;
the cold symmetry
of every
barely
frosted window pane...
just how is one supposed to react?

--

Thanks for the input, Jenifer.  While I enjoy the line about 'Winter declaring etc' too much to cut it, I do agree with you on the last 5 lines.  They were tacked on as an afterthought, and they never sat quite right with me.  I removed the 'indeed' as well, hadn't really thought about that one.  I also fiddled around with the opening a bit, per your suggestion, but nothing tickled my butt quite like leaving alone did.

[Jenifer]

Tweet

It's a beautiful piece.

Thanks for sharing.

Jenifer

[exnihilo]

Tweet

It is a beautiful piece.
my only suggestion might have to do with how it looks on the page. Those two long lines really stick out. Do you want the pace of those lines to be faster, or similar to the rest of the poem? I kind if like that the glance line is faster (if marginally) but my instinct was to break the last line into three:

just how
is one
supposed to react?

Of course, this is your poem, not mine.  (I kind of miss the master with his ink, but I think it does work better without. He may show up elsewhere?)

Also: tickled your butt? I giggled over that.

cheers
~S

[Corndog]

Tweet

Great piece here Prof.....

Agree with exnihilo on those long last lines........

Nothing, nothing, wrong with short
lines in
a poem of this
nature.

Cheers, enjoying your work.

[D M H Goldsbrough]

Tweet

Perhaps...

how is one
supposed to react?

I think the short lines suit.

and thanks.