next »

[Jenifer]

Tweet

The snow chalks the slate
blurs the stars soft
and curved, makes gentle contours
of the trash can on the corner.

While inside this chest
my heart beats strong, violent,
never ceasing blood and heat
repeating without reason.

[Vincent Turner]

Tweet

First four lines are a visual treat.

Every image forms so clearly in my inner eye.

"chalks the slate"

"gentle contours of the trash can"

not sure if "on the corner is needed" as for me it adds nothing to the visual

The second stanza is fine, but I want more, it want it to follow through with its first stanza promise.

This reads different from much of your work that i have read. was this a concious decision?

Best Regards

Vincent

[jennymeehan]

Tweet

Hi!  Just popped in for a read, I just spent some time looking through some of my old poems, not having written for a while.  I too love the first stanza, but the second left me cold (kind of ironic!) I am not sure why, maybe the imagery in the first was so present, and I felt I had nothing to hold onto in the second.  But I do love the last line, I found that effective. 

[Jenifer]

Tweet

Vincent, for me the addition of 'on the corner' keeps the poem rhythmically sound and also gives the eye a place to land.  Granted it could be any corner, but it's a corner.

Jenny, nice to see you.  For me, the second stanza serves to contrast the hot violent of humanity to that of silent, calm, cold nature when it snows.

Thank you both for your feedback, as always.

Jen