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[Professor Riffs]

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the sign said No Parking
but that didn't matter.
when your heart is full of
parties and of lust
everything is justified
by the name of the thing itself.
then we walked the trail
for three miles,
maybe four,
and all I could think
was how in the hell
did i wind up with these people?
where the hell are my shoes?
and why is it always
the hottest of the lot
who feigns panic attacks,
puts on the biggest show?
I think we both know
that they'll be after you anyway.
and all your dreams
at some point, i'm sure
will consist of you being
ugly,
free,
entirely yourself
and living alone in a rich reality.
then you'll wake up
and they'll have found Jimmy
on the other side of town
belly-up
and quite worm eaten
sporting a face that sends mothers
to their graves.
and sure
he might have went out a junkie
and sure
his grave at the time was under the tracks
but at least he went out
living your dream.

[Sana]

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Professor Riffs,

Some thoughts: line breaks might help give some tension to the poem, it reads like a conversation or monologue - a little too flat -

for instance:

the sign said No Parking
but that didn't matter.
when your heart is full of
parties and of lust
everything is justified
by the name of the thing itself.

then we walked the trail
for three miles,
maybe four,
and all I could think
was how in the hell
did i wind up with these people?
where the hell are my shoes?
and why is it always
the hottest of the lot
who feigns panic attacks,
puts on the biggest show?

I think we both know
that they'll be after you anyway.

and all your dreams
at some point, i'm sure
will consist of you being
ugly,
free,
entirely yourself
and living alone in a rich reality.

then you'll wake up
and they'll have found Jimmy
on the other side of town
belly-up
and quite worm eaten
sporting a face that sends mothers
to their graves.

and sure
he might have went out a junkie
and sure
his grave at the time was under the tracks

but at least he went out
living your dream.
 

I hope this helps,

Sana

[Professor Riffs]

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Thanks. I actually experimented with some line breaks at first, but for some reason opted against it. Now that I read it with them, it's obviously the way to go.

[cowsgomoo]

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Very touching, I feel your emotion in this. But I do agree with Sana the line breaks just make it sexy. Maybe even break them after a complete thought or point. That would add some flare too it. I wish I could write half as good as some of the people here, but meh maybe one day I shall. Just in case you did not understand what she meant . Truly she is right in this!