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22085 Posts in 2155 Topics- by 216 Members - Latest Member: TrudaHannah

May, 22, 2012 - Loading...
LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Poetry and LyricsLost Cause
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Author Topic: Lost Cause  (Read 201 times)
paulfclayton
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« on: April 20, 2011, 01:44:05 PM »


A young man walks with his head down
Through a town on the outskirts of Hell
Averting his gaze from defeated eyes
For the world and its ways, he knows well

And hope, its flesh rotting in historic corners
Festering with all that ever mattered
And dreams, painstakingly painted on glass
In shards, forgotten and shattered

Oh, the futility of care for tomorrow
Of prayers, aspirations and wishing
And causes constructed of good intent
Discarded, strewn and missing

Yet light still flickers amid black clouds
And sunlight does grace certain places
And there are still those who stand true and proud
And smiles adorn their faces
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VickieSALT
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« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2011, 07:01:08 AM »


I think that format is perfect. I don;t believe in nitpicking on the format of a very imaginative writing. The poem makes me feel like it is something like an apocalyptic event, or after such, maybe I am always turned on by sublime apocalyptic things. your message is articulate and artful. For my tastes, which are always sensitive to legalese/Gallic vocabulary, I would read BUILT instead of CONSTRUCTED. It's also better for the rhythm.
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paulfclayton
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« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2011, 01:57:24 PM »


Thank you
yes ... it is meant to be post apocalyptic
I'm glad that's your thing ... mine too  Wink
Paul
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redperil
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« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2011, 03:47:28 PM »


I like the rhythm and the internal and near rhyming, but the subject matter doesn't interest me. It reminds me of that post-apocalyptic film where there's that blind guy who has a bible in braille.

Ignoring the subject matter, I wasn't sure about starting all of the last three lines with 'And'. Also, I felt some of the language used to convey your ideas were touching on cliche (I've highlighted where I'm thinking this below)
Quote
A young man walks with his head down
Through a town on the outskirts of Hell
Averting his gaze from defeated eyes
For the world and its ways, he knows well

And hope, its flesh rotting in historic corners
Festering with all that ever mattered
And dreams, painstakingly painted on glass
In shards, forgotten and shattered

Oh, the futility of care for tomorrow
Of prayers, aspirations and wishing
And causes constructed of good intent
Discarded, strewn and missing

Yet light still flickers amid black clouds
And sunlight does grace certain places
And there are still those who stand true and proud
And smiles adorn their faces



On re-reading that last line I just got an image of patriotic men saluting the flag. Unnerving.

Well, those are my two bits anyway. Thanks for the read



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paulfclayton
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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2011, 01:57:01 AM »


Thank you for taking the time
it is post apocolyptic
I imagine mankind will one day almost achieve what seems to
be his goal in destroying life as we know it
This is where the meek finally have their say and common sense
and love for life and humankind prevail
Paul
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