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[Vincent Turner]

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in terms of crit, I am interested to know whether the continued usage of "it" annoys the reader, and what sort of impression the reader is left with at the end of the poem.


After a long shower,
breakfast of tea and toast,
and a kiss on mothers cheek
it walked the usual

route down apathy avenue
heading for the happiness factory
By afternoon they called,
concerned it did not show.

No one knew where it went.
Friends visited, armed with beer
and tales of those camping
escapades of two summers gone
hoping to entice it home.

Sometimes they swore they saw it  
face pressed against the window
of a speeding car, not waving.

Doctors came and went, each with
their own sniffer dog, unleashed once
after breakfast, and just before
sleep. None found it scent.

The house became shabby,
garden overgrown. Months passed,
efforts dimmed, Friends moved on.

Then one Sunday afternoon
late into Autumn
at a cafe table
as a child sneezed pea's onto

her fathers plate, it
returned, gaunt and dishevelled
rising from nestled slumber
in the crevice of your sudden smile.

[VickieSALT]

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"Where ITWENT' – written intentionally together?
No need to put IT in quotes – IT sits well as it is 

Since I have read something like this written about an object of obsession, employing the repetitive use of IT ("you take it, you embrace it, you don't let it")
- I immediately get an insight into the writer's inner wolrd – and my impression of your work is that of a very important being, an object of love, and probably obsession, too. Not annoying at all - could be more emotional, actually.

Since IT is a neutral, object-related word, it is well justified to be in the passive voice - welcoming stronger, transitive verbs.

VvvVvVvv

[Philo]

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I don't think it should be in quotes or italics. I'd leave it to the reader. It is often used as the subject of a sentence and doesn't need anything special in my mind. I will say that in some cases, it should be its.

Breaking thoughts mid-sentence between two stanzas is a little harsh.

My overall impression is that it was being forced on me, and I think it would read better without the emphasis. I found myself wondering if it refers to happiness, humor, or something similar, that went away and returned unbidden, tho hoped for.

[Vincent Turner]

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Thanks for the input Vickie and Philo

Gonna keep on working at this one,

see where it takes me.

Best Regards

Vincent

[Ġakbu]

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Vincent,

Doctors came and went, each with
their own sniffer dog, unleashed once
after breakfast, and just before
sleep.

These are the lines that best appropriate that abstract notion of concision which is so important in poetry - in this poem at least. Of course, breakfast was mentioned before in the poem, but here it takes 'breakfast' to a different pathway (being as it is previously mentioned).

I'd say one could contrast that part with this:

route down apathy avenue
heading for the happiness factory

That kind of technique usually requires something on a grand scale or just bursting succicntness - which is beyond the purpose of this poem I would guess. However, one can "easily" do that sort of thing still, say 'apathy avenue', and merge it within the framework of a poem as short as this - but it is to be done more organically I think if it is to offer rather than detract.

I won't go into punctuation/spelling and whatnot.

The 'It' is quite interesting in many ways. I guessed it was some kind of creature - though the fact that that seemed the obvious assumption to make to me may mean that it is not some kind of creature at all. Words like 'it' and 'one', if one chooses to pivot a piece of poetry or prose around them, can offer a delightful sense of distance, and an extended horizon.

I don't think that the 'your' at the end is achieving what - I presume - it is intended to achieve. It's not that it's a sudden shift, but rather that it is not yet worked itself to the state of concluding line that is meant to intensify or push a main point or new stream of thought or resolution or contradiction into the open.

[redperil]

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I laughed at the fact that I, and James, thought 'it' was an animal, and when I re-read the first stanza I had this funny image of a dog eating a slice of toast, tie jaunty, shirt untucked, kissing mother on the way to work!

Anyway, after several reads, I've now decided it's about someone not physically going missing, but getting lost in depression. As to the poem itself, I'm just not overly taken in by it. i think it lacks authenticity, which I feel is so vital for a poem to win me over. It's removed emotionally, but I don't feel I'm ever taken into any new interesting territory in terms of the language or form which would compensate for that.

I think what I'm saying is that I'm not overly sure what you're trying to achieve with this one?

 

[Vincent Turner]

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Hi Pete.

You and bloody animals eh!!!

Thanks for the feedback.

In regards to.....

I think what I'm saying is that I'm not overly sure what you're trying to achieve with this one?

it's a good question. And one I have not actually considered prior to, and after completing the poem. Without revealing every personal detail of my family, I'll say this, my brother is, and has been, unwell for some time, with either depression, or a conscious withdrawal from the world- I wanted to write about it, but maybe, subconsciously did not want to face it head on- so instead wrote about "it" possibly by personifying it, I allowed myself to distance myself from the truth.

I also had it in my mind whilst writing it, that I did not want to make it overly poetic- what the fuck does that mean!- well I suppose I did not want to laden it with my usual language and imagery, almost writing it as a newspaper report, direct and emotionally unattached. I suppose I relied on the personification to carry the poem.
and quite possibly failed.

Maybe this was a poem more suited for myself, for self counselling purposes, I don't know, but then again, most of my writing, since I began this silly affair has centred around self exploration and the process of filtering what is seen and experienced on a daily basis, once I did drugs, now I medicate myself and numb myself by writing.... not sure what I am blabbering about now, my thinking has been severed by the boys, begging me to build them a tent in the lounge as a treat whilst there mother is in England, and then there is the Ice cream they've been begging for, and the puffing of pillows. Bollocks gotta go!-

Best Regards

and thanks for the read.

Vincent