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22085 Posts in 2155 Topics- by 216 Members - Latest Member: TrudaHannah

May, 22, 2012 - Loading...
LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Poetry and LyricsMy Father in the Sun.
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Author Topic: My Father in the Sun.  (Read 466 times)
Olaf
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« on: May 18, 2011, 01:24:00 PM »

Quote
'Don't be such a fucking, poof!
Be like me, Son,
Long in the tooth.

Why don't you go off
and bake a cake with
your Mum?'

He turns his back to me
continuing to cement the brick
for the wall he's laying.




Or

Quote
'Don't be such a fucking, poof!
Be like me, Son,
Long in the tooth.

Why don't you go off
and bake a cake with
your Mum?'

He kneel's out of sight
continuing to cement the brick
wall he's building between us.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 06:46:12 AM by Olaf » Logged
Do not confuse ingenuous with ingenious - Olaf

Dedicated to bad writing - Charles Bukowski

'A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.' - James Joyce

The man that cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot -Andre Breton

Who has the courage to go into the dark places where there is nothing but feeling? - Thomas A. Clark

'For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open and every secret should be brought to the light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.' - Mark 4:22-23

Many a clever boy is flogged into a dunce and many an original composition corrected into mediocrity- Sir Walter Scott
 
Nick
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« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2011, 04:45:09 PM »

Why not have him building the wall between them?
« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 07:26:58 PM by Nick » Logged
A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
Olaf
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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2011, 06:38:00 AM »

Maybe. Yeah.

Isn't it a bit of a hammering though?

Building the wall implies a wall between them without actually making the wall between them. Or am I reading too much into it?



I could say -

'He kneel's out of sight
cotinuing to cement the brick
wall he's building between us.'

Maybe it's better. For me it's a bit too obvious.
Or maybe that's what it needs.

Thoughts?
« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 06:44:02 AM by Olaf » Logged
Do not confuse ingenuous with ingenious - Olaf

Dedicated to bad writing - Charles Bukowski

'A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.' - James Joyce

The man that cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot -Andre Breton

Who has the courage to go into the dark places where there is nothing but feeling? - Thomas A. Clark

'For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open and every secret should be brought to the light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.' - Mark 4:22-23

Many a clever boy is flogged into a dunce and many an original composition corrected into mediocrity- Sir Walter Scott
Nick
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« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2011, 07:26:09 PM »

He lays another course
on his properly masoned wall
and is gone from my sight

Thinkin' something in the vein of this sorta innuendo.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 07:28:45 PM by Nick » Logged
A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2011, 08:43:40 PM »

The second one olaf.

'Don't be such a fucking, poof!
Be like me, Son,
Long in the tooth.

Why don't you go off
and bake a cake with
your Mum?'

He kneel's out of sight
continuing to cement the brick
wall he's building between us.


 
 
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"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live"- H.D. Thoreau
jennymeehan
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« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2011, 01:24:36 PM »

I prefer the first and I would put brick on it's own line to make it sound heavier.  Like this lots.
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Philo
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« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2012, 10:08:55 PM »

I like the second as well.

In either case 'cement the brick' sounds funny to my ear. Where I'm from, bricks are laid in mortar, but they are mortared up, or buttered up with mortar, not cemented. I point this out because I think the son of a mason would know this. If 'cement' isn't used like this for masonry where your readers are from is going to sound odd.

How about:

He kneel's out of sight
tapping brick into fresh mortar
for the wall he's laying.
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