next »

[Jenifer]

Tweet

This chair smells like my ex boyfriend's
dad.  He used to offer me his seat
when I'd be over there eating
and I'd politely decline
because I couldn't eat whatever
his sweet mom fixed, chicken
or some sort of soup
with cabbage
without losing my appetite
and holding back
vomit.

I've spent the last two days
trying not to puke,
trying to sleep,
trying to eat,
trying to want
to live.

And the harder I try
the less any
of that shit happens.  

The pain
in my head
is like
my brain being beaten
and beaten
and beaten
by Mike Tyson
in his prime.  

And when the pain stops
it's replaced
by post surgery
ache like waking
up in the middle
of the night
after having a c-section
and no pain medication
for hours.

When you open
your eyes
the pain washes
over you
as a reminder
that you are still
fucking
alive.

[Nick]

Tweet

You tend to use such proper english. Would you consider exchanging 'vomit' for spew?
Tyson is a head case. He brings no dignity to your work.  Cassius Clay-in the ring that man was an artist. Outside, he was a man who stood for his own principles.

[redperil]

Tweet

The poem starts well, though I'm inclined to tinker with the punctuation...

This chair smells like my ex boyfriend's
dad.  He used to offer me his seat
when I'd be over there eating I'd put a comma here, though I know many people hate period comma's.
and I'd politely decline
because I couldn't eat whatever
his sweet mom fixed, chicken
or some sort of soup
with cabbage this bit I think needs a fiddle. I'd suggest putting the food descriptions in parenthesis
without losing my appetite
and holding back
vomit.

After the opening, I feel sorry for the narrator but it doesn't do much for me beyond that. I think it's the lack of strong imagery. The Mike Tyson simile seems a bit weak and in the fifth stanza I get what it is you're conveying, but I don't really feel it. I'm sure you could work on that stanza.

The final stanza also feels a bit contrived, you want to finish with a poetic punch, but it feels a bit disjointed. You have a great way of using anecdotal imagery to get across your emotions, but in this one it just didn't come off for me.

[Jenifer]

Tweet

Nick:  I don't know about switching up the language.  It just wouldn't be me.  But I do like the idea of switching Mike Tyson for Ali, although the idea and the image of Tyson may be closer to what I'm going for... not so much Ali as Tyson.  Just a pounding.  Nothing about dignity.

Red:  It's a work in progress, written while I was, indeed very tired.  The piece can get stronger, hopefully, as I do.

Thanks for the critique guys.

That's what we're all about and I appreciate your time.

Jen

[Vincent Turner]

Tweet

Hi Jen.

For me this is a "passing poem".. by this i mean, it was penned more for therapeutic sake, they for the sake of writing a poem. I say this, as i noticed you wrote somewere that you haven't been writing for a while, this is a poem to get you back into the swing of things, which for me is necessary to get back to the place ( in terms of poetic quality) you was out before you had a break from writing... i tend to do this a lot, i find no motivation to write, and then i get a "calling" a silent urging voice, the first 5-6 poems after my break are not great, but were needed to flex my muscles, stretch my limbs... i hope you get what i am saying. I might be barking up the wrong tree, and if so then i will shut up!!!

I agree with Red and Nick about the Tyson simile, maybe i would not have paid it so much attention if it had not been about boxing... the usage of Tyson is not a problem but the simile itself does not work to well... needs a little expanding...

anyhow, its a pleasure to read your work again

with warmth

Vincent

[Jenifer]

Tweet

Thanks for the thoughts, Vincent.  And you are correct.  Sometimes it's about writing what you have to write at the moment and sharpening it later.  I hope to be doing this as I become more involved in the writing community again.  I've fallen behind so badly. 

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions from everyone thus far.  I will see what becomes of this. 

Jen

[red_sparrow]

Tweet

destitute...

quite strong emotionally. someone mentioned how this could be a therapeutic poem; it seems like that, but not in a bad way. i do that all the time. 

[Jenifer]

Tweet

Thanks much, miss.

It's so nice to have you back around.

[red_sparrow]

Tweet

Thanks much, miss.

It's so nice to have you back around.

me?

  aww shux.

[Olaf]

Tweet

God Jen, you feeling the burn of hardship in this, for sure.
Quite strong piece of misery. Still feeling all kinds of chaos after the divorce and all that. It's taken up much mental time and practical time. Sometimes all you have to do is write something down, cathartic rant - try it. Let it all out.

Life is tough. Tougher than all the people.
We gots to ENDURE whats we can't resolve.

Keep the chin up. Suck it up.
Keep up the penwomanship.

:)x

[red_sparrow]

Tweet

God Jen, you feeling the burn of hardship in this, for sure.
Quite strong piece of misery. Still feeling all kinds of chaos after the divorce and all that. It's taken up much mental time and practical time. Sometimes all you have to do is write something down, cathartic rant - try it. Let it all out.

Life is tough. Tougher than all the people.
We gots to ENDURE whats we can't resolve.

Keep the chin up. Suck it up.
Keep up the penwomanship.

:)x

penwomanship!   

[senryupsyched]

Tweet

Indeed.

Peaceful dreams..