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[Jenifer]

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You drove through Oregon
in a Pontiac, celery green, away
from the down arms of your lover while
I slept in the long arms of mine.
Past deer and their tics,
invisible in the night,
under infinity
and through winter wraith trees reaching
their skeletal hands
to stop
your heart’s beating.

You
a lightening bolt, joined
by a rainstorm
and 100 mile an hour
winds.

I got your message
but I was trying
to live.
 

[Father Luke]

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You drove through Oregon
in a Pontiac, celery green

comma

away
from the soft arms of your lover

comma

while I slept in the long arms of mine.
Past deer

comma

and their tics

comma

invisible in the night,
under infinity
and through winter wraith

comma

trees reaching
their skeletal hands
to stop
your heart's beating.

You

You have a choice here. Either a period, which would work fine, or a comma.

a lightening bolt, joined
by a rainstorm
and 100 mile an hour
winds.

I got your message
but I was trying
to live.
 

I wanted to slip the punctuation in and then comment on the poem.
If you have a question as to the punctuation, ask. I'd rather explain
than have you not know why they go where they go.

And? I wanted to punctuate so that no one else would come along
and judge your poem by the strengths or weaknesses of your grammar.
Because the poem is worth more than a cursory glance at the petty mistakes.


Right. So...
It's haunting. It offers so much in so few words.

We have Love
Love lost
A sense of place
A sense of urgency

It has a well defined protagonist,
even though the protagonist is not identified,
only defined buy actions.


It's a haunting poem.

Was there anything in particular you were looking for in a crit?

[Edgewise]

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I'm with Father Luke in all respects, to a T, including punctuation suggestions.  It isn't just haunting.  There is something mysterious about it, partially because of the disembodied voice of the narrator telling (imagining?) the bulk of the piece, as well as the image of whipping across the state in the middle of the night accompanied by only by pitch black, buckets of rain, worried heart and a sense of menace.  The unexpressed (explicitly) nature of the message, sent to "you" from "I", only adds to the mystery.  That last stanza is a doozy.  Good rhythm throughout.  You've already got my take on the content.

Thoroughly enjoyed Jenifer.

[Vincent Turner]

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hi jen

indeed there is mystery here.

and it is haunting.

this seems fresh, and although angry it reads as controlled- no soppy use of emotion here.

The ending is powerfull.

I might not know the narrator but i was with them in the car travelling through the black.

I cant offer much more at the moment, although i want too, but i dont have much time presently due to limited internet use.

I will return.

best regards

Vincent

[redperil]

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I enjoyed the heightened sense of drama.

celery green away

without the comma this made me think of the expression 'bombs away', only with a surreal twist. I'm guessing you meant to have a comma after 'green'?

It's rare to read a poem with such atmosphere without it feeling contrived. Good work Jennifer

[Jenifer]

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Thanks so much for the great crits on this so far will brb to delve into them.

I have fucking tonsillitis and am stuck mostly in bed with only the greatest of all men taking care of me and the kids.

Don't know where I would be right now without Father Luke.  maybe dead.

Jen

[redperil]

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poor thing. My lady had tonsillitis a week ago, and then she got a stomach bug on top of that and so was throwing us as well. I took the little one to see my brother to give her some rest. Take care and make sure Father Luke gets you lots of ice cream

[wael_nawara]

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I got your message
but I was trying
to live.
 

I love this.


Great work. Well-done.

[Jenifer]

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Red, man, Father Luke found the greatest freaking ice cream that is made of coconut milk and Agave nectar.  Oh my god it is so addictive.  And ice cream feels just about the best on my throat right now.

Bobby, I did see your post.  And I am aware of an exchange with edgewise recently regarding the name Father Luke.  

In my house, all four of my children and I address Father Luke as Father Luke.  My sister and her partner call him Father Luke, as well as my niece and nephews.  Father Luke's mother, brother and family all address him as Father Luke.  His driver's license says Father Luke.  Mail comes addressed to Father Luke.  Our insurance cards say Jenifer and Father Luke.  Some people call him Padre or even just Father.  

Funny thing is, off the internet, it's never an issue.  Ever.  I guess maybe if you knew him you'd just see.  It fits.  I don't think that I've ever heard Father Luke address people by names that they don't want to use.  

In fact, something I've learned recently is that when you come to people with love and kindness, that is what you'll get in return.  If you come to them with a chip on your shoulder, intending harm or negativity, that's probably what you'll get.  

I don't know why you or anyone else has an issue with addressing Father Luke as Father Luke.  Perhaps you could try Padre.  Or if that is too hard, maybe you should speak to him like he's a human rather than behave as though him preferring to be called Father Luke, a title he most definitely earned as a Serbian Orthodox priest, is something that is a personal attack or insult directed at you.

I don't have a lot of space for people who tattle.  Work it out on your own.

Jen

[Father Luke]

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I don't have a lot of space for people who tattle.  Work it out on your own.

Jen

I sooo love this woman.

[Jenifer]

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Whooe okay back.  Coming close to have beaten this cold.

So anyway.

I changed up a few things per Father Luke's punctuation corrections and Lally's celery thing which made me laugh out loud.

Was looking for general critique on this really, Father Luke.  I knew it was near but needed a little tidying up. 

Any other further suggestions from anyone, of course, are always appreciated.

Thanks guys.

Jen

[Vulgar]

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The images conveyed here were novelistic, or in my own interpretation of the word, held stories line by line. A simplified conglomeration of a man and a woman - in this case, the woman being the one with the directing perspective, was nice. I don't feel as though I've grasped the central relationship or the relations of personifying the man as the weather and how you described deer and trees. What I did get was a type of schematic snapshot of a suburban love story cut short by the reality of time passing by. "It's over" seemed to be the message floating towards me after I read the conclusion. Am I off completely? 

-
Damien

[D M H Goldsbrough]

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I dig a little bit of mystery. I would get rid of the and after infinity. loving the end, really really good. As for the Father Luke thing, who cares? it's just a name, don't see how one could have a problem with it. Sometimes people call me Jesus.

[D M H Goldsbrough]

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Oh yeah, it made me picture a Lynchian forest drive.

[Woet]

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Hello!

This seems pretty sound, but I dug-deep for some suggesitons as follows:

"Past deer and their tics, <cut> to stop your heart’s beating."
As a sentence it is a fragment, albeit a long one - could you reintroduce 'driving' or similar, as an adjective?

I also saw a lot of potential in this:

"You a lightening bolt, joined by a rainstorm and 100 mile an hour winds."

Did the rainstorm join him or did he join it? Joining seems unduly passive, so could he be like lightening linking wind and rain, or were they 3 forces and if so, what do they each represent? Plenty of places you could go if you wanted, but as an injection of "that man is bad news" you could just leave it as is.

Nice reading you.

EDIT: I'm leaving Suggesitons misspelt 'cause it made me gigle.