next »

[paulfclayton]

Tweet

The man with the plastic face
He has cloudy, liquid eyes
His fibre moustache and the thick dense fog
Strengthen his disguise

As he stops to check the time
His circuits start to glow
Then a figure comes to greet him
With a face he used to know

It's a face in a leather case
It's a face he used to own
It's a face that moved through time and space
And now he's come to take it home

There was a subtle smell of sulphur
As he made time stand still
He unclenched his plastic hand
To expose a yellow pill

Then his sub processor skipped
To where it all began
To a time before his micro chips
When he was still a man

[Jenifer]

Tweet

This piece is interesting.  It's different than what we often get here.

You do a good job with the rhyme scheme you've set.  Although I would say keep very aware of rhythm when you are using end rhyme.  The wrong rhythm can make it feel sing songish, but no attention to rhythm makes it feel awkward and forced.

Beware of unnecessary words when using rhyme too, which can also make the poem feel forced.  Saying something like 'thick dense fog' is redundant.  You don't need both 'thick' and 'dense'. 

I enjoyed the subject matter of this.  The read was, overall, refreshing.

Welcome to Mary.

Jenifer