next »

[Olaf]

Tweet

Laughter raises the roof
off of a house while it rains.
Everyone inside the house
is soaking wet.

Their champagne glasses refill
with rain water.
They care not.
The fish tank becmes
one with the living room.

The water level rises steadily.
Women take the initiative
and start handing out snorkles,
and scuba gear, to those taking it all
a little too seriously.

Arm bands, and rubber rings are blown up.
An inspired man starts to doggy paddle
in the kitchen, with an eager labrador.
A row boat careers down
the waterfall of the stair case,
from the attic

men dive into the down stairs bedroom.
There is not a life gaurd to be seen.
Neighbours look through the windows
to see what all the laughing is about.
'They'll need to build another Ark soon.'

They care not. They care only for laughter
and the laughter inside, for laughter is a house
without a roof, water gushing, alive with people
soaked to the skin and happy to the bone.

[Nick]

Tweet

What direction of crit would y'all be wantin' on this one, Olaf?

[Olaf]

Tweet

If you see something critical missing or flailing, let me know. I want to know if this works as a scene, does it have the humour I believe it does? A lightness of touch.

[Nick]

Tweet

Laughter raised the roof off of a house while it rained. Everyone inside the house was soaking wet. Their champagne glasses refilled with rain water. They cared not. The fish tank became one with the living room. The water level steadily rose. Some women took the initiative and started handing out snorkles and scuba gear to those taking it all a little too seriously. Arm bands and rubber rings came out. A man started doing the doggy paddle in the shallow end. A row boat careered down the waterfall of the stair case, from the attic men dove into the down stairs bedroom. There was no a life gaurd to be seen. Neighbours came round to see what all the laughing was about. They cared not. They cared only for the laughter The laughter inside of the house. For laughter is a house without a roof, alive with people soaked to the skin, happy to the bone.

I fiddled with it. More showing, less telling crit style, eh?

There is humour in it.

Been readin' Strunk and White. Gettin' sensitive to sentence structure. I see a bit more that could endure rearranging.
Maybe this is enough for you.

[Olaf]

Tweet

I'm all for rearranging.

Enough for me? you think i should make it longer. i want it to be a succinct piece of flash.

x

[Nick]

Tweet

Not longer. Succinct is my forte. Suggest drop the 'house' in second sentence. Why "Some women" when 'Women' would suffice? The feller in the 'shallow end', how to imagine a shallow end in a level floored house? Suggest he do his dog paddle in the breakfast nook or some such distinct home location designation.

Am I moving in a helpful direction?

[Corndog]

Tweet

I love it!

Surreal and brilliant imagery. Loved the Row boat zooming down the stairs..... Maybe it could be written in stanzas?

Laughter raised the roof
off of a house while it rained.
Everyone inside the house
was soaking wet.

Their champagne glasses refilled
with rain water.
They cared not.
The fish tank became
one with the living room.

The water level raised steadily.
Some women took the initiative
and started handing out snorkles,
and scuba gear, to those taking it all
a little too seriously.

Arm bands, and rubber rings, came out.
A man started doing the doggy
paddle in the shallow end.
A row boat careered down
the waterfall of the stair case,
from the attic

men dove into the down stairs bedroom.
There was no a life gaurd to be seen.
Neighbours came round to see what
all the laughing was about.
They cared not.

They cared only for the the laughter,
and the laughter inside of the house,
for laughter is a house without a roof,
alive with people soaked to the skin
and happy to the bone.

Not too sure if you'll agree ..... makes it a little bit more accessibly?
 

[Olaf]

Tweet

Nick, I think the direction your taking it, is fine. Thank you.

Corndog, I think I might well change the layout to the one you suggest, and submit it to some poetry journals/websites.

[Corndog]

Tweet

I would certainly submit it!

I enjoyed the surrealism, similarly to the elephants upstairs one.

Maybe we should have a surreal contest for real!


Jen?

[Olaf]

Tweet

OK.


Applied those changes, and changed the tense to present, and added a labrador. Maybe the dog is unnecessary? 

Now, off to try and get a job!

[Corndog]

Tweet

Just a couple of nit picks.

Life guard 1 word =  Lifeguard as is Downstairs.

Sounds good.
 

[jennymeehan]

Tweet

Delightful!  Enjoyed this very much!  I would only suggest possbible use of a first person quote or something..I found myself wanting to "overhear" some verbal expression, maybe which conveyed the not caring, ie in the second stanza... Instead of "They cared not". I like what comes across to me as a fairly dry tone (!!! even in a wet poem!!!) but I wanted to hear some voices other than just your own.   

[Olaf]

Tweet

Hello Jenny, where have you been for so long?

I have added some dialogue. Thinking I should identify the speaker and possibly add more? Any thoughts?

Yours in thinking.

Olaf aloof in the loft of his houseX 

[VickieSALT]

Tweet

I don't believe there should be any rearranging, if the message(s), images, are defined, modular, there. Sometimes a question would beg to be asked - what is going on? but here it is wonderfully surrealistic.