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22086 Posts in 2156 Topics- by 216 Members - Latest Member: TrudaHannah

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LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Poetry and LyricsThe Return Of Failure
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Professor Riffs
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« on: April 08, 2011, 11:38:08 AM »

well here comes something
all requirements met
perhaps we can throw out the clock
hang our hearts on the wall.

but the scaffolding is weak
and it could never even dream
of halting or stalling
the rains we've beheld.

so just put your play things
back on their shelf
and then ferment the demon
til it curses no more.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2011, 02:33:04 PM by Professor Riffs » Logged
"It's too late for all the Toms and Hucks of the world..." - FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper
 
Jenifer
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« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2011, 04:40:43 PM »

Hello there.

I'm having trouble connecting the third stanza with the first two.

The second stanza is good.  I see the most promise in it.  It offers something tangible and concrete that the other two don't.

I find myself asking as a reader, what you want us to take away from this piece?

Jenifer
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Professor Riffs
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« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2011, 08:44:02 PM »

Quote from: Jenifer on April 12, 2011, 04:40:43 PM
I find myself asking as a reader, what you want us to take away from this piece?



I guess I could distill the stanzas like this:

---

You think something is good

You find out it's bad

You say fuck it and have a drink

---

Funny you should like the 2nd stanza the best. That's the one that gave me the most trouble/the one I'm the least satisfied with.
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« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2011, 10:11:23 PM »

What you intend to express and what your reader is taking are not the same. What it feels like is that you are holding back and instead veiling what you want to say in abstractions.  Where what you are actually saying when you tell me what the poem is about comes across as more interesting than what you have written in the poem. 

What is good?  Why is it bad and how did it feel when you found out?  What does the drink taste like on this occasion?  Is it different than the drink tastes on a happy occasion?  All the details, what we are missing...

Jen
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Professor Riffs
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« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2011, 10:41:54 PM »

I'm just not that into things being spelled right out when comes to writing my own stuff, or reading that of others. Plus, this is one of the least-vague things I've written (I'd say, anyway). Different strokes I suppose. Always appreciate feedback though, and I do take it into account!  Tips Hat
« Last Edit: April 12, 2011, 10:43:22 PM by Professor Riffs » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2011, 06:38:12 PM »

I'm not saying you should spell it right out.  I am saying that use of concrete imagery will make it feel as though you wrote it yourself and not like it could have been written by anyone. 
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