next »

[Carol]

Tweet

The Waiting Game

Survivors pain is never seen
while we play our waiting game.
It’s locked inside denied a voice
as it twists and turns and maims.

Two steps forward one step back
when we live in a static frame
Longing to walk in peace and love
with the fear and anger tamed.

The scars run deep the healings hard
when we play our waiting game.
We fight our battle from darkness to light
till the way ahead is plain.

We don’t need to forgive them
and life will never be the same.
So, we just need some loving care
as we travel through our pain.

The wheels of time grind slowly
and we play our waiting game.
As fear dies, we learn to live our life
and gently find ourselves again.

[Nick]

Tweet

I get the sentiment. Too much refrain of 'waiting game'. Creative placement of pieces on the page has never been unokay with me. Suggest you run this one done the left margin and rework the stanza balance with 'waiting game' in last one only for starters. Y'all can fling it back out onto the pages field later.

Welcome, Carol

[Carol]

Tweet

Thank you Nick...happy to be here

[Father Luke]

Tweet

I'm afraid I'm a bit biased against rhymes, not in the positive bias unfortunately.

However there are some things here...

Unlike Nick, I like the repetitive waiting game.
It's only repeated twice, making three then once firmly stated in the title,
so it's got a three pattern I would approve. Again - personal bias.

The message is smarmy/sticky sweet. I'm wondering if you have a bit
of moxie to peel back the layers and show a bit more graphic abuse.
Perhaps not too graphic, but for writing's sake, a bit would be details,
which, as you know Carol, the devil is in the details.

That would be my overall recommendation. I'd like to see less finger pointing,
and more moon.

The Waiting Game

[randalldeanscott]

Tweet

Father Luke said it best.  I too would like to see more moon.  Allow me to suggest this.  Read each line independently and ask yourself.  "What does that look like, visually?" 

For example, "with the fear and anger tamed"  What might this look like?

Maybe tamed fear and anger looks like this


or like this


This approach is something that has worked for me in the past so I pass it on as simply a suggestion.  Hope it's helpful.

RD

[Jenifer]

Tweet

Hello Carol. It's nice to read something of yours. 

My thought while reading this piece is that it is begging for a form.  The first one that comes to mind is Sestina.

Also, remember that punctuation is a tool.  As a writer, it's one of the best tools you have to control how your piece is read.

I see a lot of potential in this and hope you will post any future edits.

Jen