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[Corndog]

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Newly cut grass embraces
my senses –
silences
a disquiet at
yesterday’s violence.

Today a
Father buries his
child-
somewhere feral kids
smile at unexpected
swag.

Seventy years ago
we sacrificed a
generation
today we die from
within.

[G.K.Fralin]

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Hey, long time no see.

For me this seems a little disjointed. I think the first and last stanza's go together, but the second does't seem to fit. Maybe a little rewrite of stanza two to add some element that fits the war or violent type theme of one and three. I have a little problem with all the 's' sounds in stanza one. There seems to be an overabundance of that hissing s when I read it aloud.

[jennymeehan]

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Yes, I agree. There are some interesting images there too, but they don't come forward as much as I find myself wanting them to, which is a shame, because it sounds promising.

[angelicgemini]

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This poem has much unused potential. There is a lot of hissing 's' sounds. Also, it's quite personal I can take it, the images are good, but you do need to rework with the stanzas as the previous posters have said. Also, the part where a father buries his child is powerful, that by itself is a strong image and shows vulnerability. Very important. Also, I love the idea of the past and how you describe kids as feral. Very relatable. It's just fix some of the stanza and it would be perfect. It would deserve a high praise indeed.

[Sana]

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Nice to read you again, Roger~!

[Corndog]

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Thanks all for the comments.......


I agree it needs some work.  I wrote it after the Riots in London.

Hi Sana... Hope your well. x.

[danny fahey]

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perhaps if you just titled it connecting it to the Riots more connections would be found. I liked the cut grass and father connection.