Welcome, Tourist. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

 
Advanced search

22086 Posts in 2156 Topics- by 216 Members - Latest Member: TrudaHannah

May, 23, 2012 - Loading...
LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Poetry and LyricsVoices from the past
« previous next »
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Voices from the past  (Read 372 times)
paulfclayton
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35




View Profile
« on: April 22, 2011, 04:58:34 PM »

I can hear voices
Voices from the past
But, only when I'm driving
When I'm driving fast

"It's the wind", said the doctor
"Or a breech in a seal"
"Go home and put your feet up"
"Or go out for a meal"

So, I took the doctor's advice
And intended to go home
I buckled up my seatbelt
Switched off my mobile phone

Then I turned the ignition
This made the engine roar
But, as I started driving
The voices came once more

I could hear the voices
Couldn't tell what they were saying
So, I put my foot down
The car started swaying

Suddenly, I hear them clearly
These voices from the past
They say "climb up from the wreckage"
"And join us at long last"
Logged
 
Jenifer
Owner/Administrator
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 27624



radio tron


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2011, 10:07:34 PM »

For me, the way you have this rhyme and repetition set up, it feels trite.  Is that what you intended?
Logged
my my my my
paulfclayton
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35




View Profile
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2011, 02:45:54 PM »

Ha ha ... it wasn't my intention for it to be trite ... it was just meant to flow as simply as a simple thing on a laid back simple day Smiley
Oh well
Paul
Logged
VickieSALT
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 48



I explore senses, thoughts and images


View Profile WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2011, 12:35:28 PM »

most of the poem has that limericky home feel, except by the end it brings home the kosher bacon and pull the surprise that crowns it all. I get that strong, respectfully creepy, sublime feeling, along with the lascivious goosebumps and the sexy vibes.
Logged
paulfclayton
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35




View Profile
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2011, 06:09:18 PM »

sexy vibes? now there's something
thank you
Paul
Logged
VickieSALT
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 48



I explore senses, thoughts and images


View Profile WWW
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2011, 01:49:02 PM »

especially the kind of vibes that could be felt when watching the end of the movie Brazil - for me, you echo the line:  "Care for a little necrophilia?" - yummy!!!
Logged
paulfclayton
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35




View Profile
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2011, 03:22:18 PM »

well, i'm glad you appreciate my maudlin tales
thank you very much
Paul
Logged
redperil
Token Administrator
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 3044



The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2011, 03:52:18 PM »

Unlike the other poem of yours I just commented on, this one is a bit of a car wreck with its rhythm and rhyme scheme. It's forced to fit in places and a bit silly in others. Perhaps you could reconstruct this as a piece of flash fiction? Also, it could be said that the idea in itself is a bit overdone, maybe by expanding it you could give it some freshness?
Logged
Thinking.
paulfclayton
Butters
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35




View Profile
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2011, 02:02:11 AM »

it does come across as trite
as somebody else has said
I think I should have given myself a good run up to this
and not confined myself to a small area
I kept it just on the basis that I like the premise
thanks
Paul
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
Print
« previous next »
Jump to: