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[cowsgomoo]

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With Your Blood

With your blood, these floors were tiled.
With your blood, these frames were built.
With your blood, this mine was made.

Work all day, take no rest.
Second rate two bit junkie, is how they perceive you.
Broken down untalented swine is what they say to you.
Who are you? Why have you come? What are you going to do?

With your blood, this wall was built.
With your blood, this roof was made.
With your blood, this mine was built.

Carve your name into your skin, everyone will know who your are then.
Push the needle deeper into the vein, sit back and relapse again.
Leave your mind behind, embrace your vice.
We are all but mice.

With your blood, these pills have sold.
With your blood, this man is rich.
With your blood, this mine is built.

Fall deeper into your hole, far to low to climb out.
Flap your arms as if you had wings, keep falling about to hit bottom.
Crashing down, lost your friends.
Here comes your end.

With your blood, a dynasty is built.
With your blood, another victim is taken.
With your blood, this mine is built...

[Jenifer]

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This is the kind of thing that might work as song lyrics better than poetry.  I think anyway.  I know what you're going for here, but is there a way you could do it and make it your own rather than redoing what you admire? 

Jen

[cowsgomoo]

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I am a little confused by what you said, I did write this . I only write songs, I tried poetry and well, lets just say I am not very good at it! If there is something that is similar to this I have no knowledge of it. Most of the influence for this song came from my mother, she is a crack addict.

[Vincent Turner]

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Hi There

What Jen is trying to say is try writing songs that are not directly inspired or mirrored by your idols.

Put a bit more of yourself in the song.

Am I right Jen!!???

Best Regards

Vincent

[cowsgomoo]

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Ah, I understand now. Yes there is some influence from my idols here. But everyone's writing is influenced by something. Whether it be the same emotion or the same person. People are influential creatures, and that is what makes the world go round. This was directly linked to first hand experience being around my mothers, friends and drug dealers. They all got rich while we became poor, they had meals whenever they wanted. I occasionally got a hotdog, or maybe a poptart if I was really lucky . So while some of this is inspired by Layne Staley, Scott Weiland ect. most of it is life experience.

[Jenifer]

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But see, we don't know that it's related to your experiences with your mother etc. because you don't use any of that concrete imagery to make this piece your own.  What you have here could have been written by anyone.  You tell us, but you don't show.  This song could be any song.  I want to hear your song.  What are the experiences?  What did you see?  Taste?  Smell?  What was it like? 

Are there any authors you admire?  What are you reading?

[cowsgomoo]

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Ah, I understand what you mean by this. But that is why I posted part of my life story (which I will add more too, if any of you find it more interesting to read) I will certainly take these things into account. I also apologize for my lack of writing skills entirely, I am not educated formally...mostly self educated.

[Vincent Turner]

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They all got rich while we became poor, they had meals whenever they wanted. I occasionally got a hotdog, or maybe a poptart if I was really lucky

These are the type of concrete images Jenifer was referring too, I don't mean to sound rude, but I found these two lines far more interesting that your poem, as I got a more personal insight into your life, hot dogs, pop-tarts etc..

But that is why I posted part of my life story (which I will add more too, if any of you find it more interesting to read)

Your poem or song, whichever you want to call it, should be able to stand alone without the need to read your biography.

 

I also apologize for my lack of writing skills entirely, I am not educated formally...mostly self educated

.

Never apologise for this, you have done nothing wrong, just continue to learn, and continue to read- is that not why we are all here, to learn, grow and if possible, help others as we would liked to be helped.

Best Regards

Vincent

[cowsgomoo]

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Hm, does anyone have any suggestions or hints to what they would add to this song? I understand that I need to make it my own, but some guidance would be helpful. Maybe editing it to something you can relate to so I can get a different perspective on how it should be written. I need some uh, inspiration is what I mean . Any help on this would be appreciated since I learn best by example.

[Vincent Turner]

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I have no real experience in writing songs, I did go through a period of attempting to mimic both Jim Morrison and Richey James Edwards from the Manics but that came before the poetry and I really don't think anyone here would want me to dig up that sort of tripe.

As I mentioned before, make it more personal, write about the hot dogs, the pop-tarts, the truth but use a language that does not automatically call out for sympathy.

Think about what you want to write about, write without pause, don't try and make a song out of it, see what turns up, bin the tripe and play around with the rest.

Best Regards

Vincent