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Father Luke
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« on: July 04, 2009, 11:44:51 PM » |
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Dear Mary: When I go to sleep at night I hear the voices of those who are no longer welcome here at the forum. They cry, and call me names, and I imagine them clawing out my eyes, and eating my children. The discomfort of those denied entry gives me great comfort. So. Do you think I will ever have children? Or is my destiny someone who only had a lot of fun trying to have kids? I read you every month in the newsletter. Good to see you! - - Okay, Father Luke
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"The castigation of fools is, of course, an ancient and honorable task of writers and, unless very poorly done, an enterprise that will usually entertain those who behold it." ~ Richard Mitchell |
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Tobacco
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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2009, 12:29:56 AM » |
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Y crybaby me ome crybaby me ast
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Father Luke
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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2009, 01:50:05 AM » |
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What spurred this?
I'm a hater myself. That sucks. I need a lobotomy.
Unless you are "Dear Mary"... I'd wait for it, Jeremy.  - - Okay, Father Luke |
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"The castigation of fools is, of course, an ancient and honorable task of writers and, unless very poorly done, an enterprise that will usually entertain those who behold it." ~ Richard Mitchell |
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2009, 06:37:52 AM » |
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Dear Father Luke Writers often ask me about children. Having had seventeen myself, I would say that I have become quite the expert! In fact, were it not for the ravages of birthing, I would never have been able to open up a successful pot-holing business in my virgina. Should you have children? Well, that depends. When you write, do you sometimes stop half-way through and throw it in the bin? Fatherhood and the poet are quite similar of course. For a few minutes input, you produce something that you'll spend the next 30 years trying to explain. Of note, I once met a poet who said he was getting castrated to avoid distraction from his writing. Over the years, he slowly cut more and more from his body until all that was left was his right hand, 'I have edited myself into nothing', were his last words. In the end, having a baby is like writing submissions; if you keep submitting, eventually one of them will sneak through. Best wishes Mary |
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Nick
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« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2009, 12:29:20 PM » |
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I would never have been able to open up a successful pot-holing business in my virgina
The smart ass in me wants to ask if you are referring to west virginia or virginia proper. I like to appear mature on the page, so I pass on that and ask 'Did you want to write vagina?' |
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A story derives from the writer's perceptive observation and careful report of scene and from structural discipline.
Wilson R. Thornley
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Jenifer
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« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2009, 12:44:04 PM » |
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Dear Mary, I have four children and recently all four of them and myself came down with the most terrible case of head lice. It was just awful. The only thing that worked to get rid of them was all of us wearing mayonnaise on our head covered with caps of plastic wrap. Now that I've gotten rid of the little buggers, I'm finding myself really paranoid about sending my children to other houses for a sleepover. I know one of those little shits is the one who must have infected whichever of my children got this in the first place. I've considered wrapping my children in plastic wrap before sending them over, but have settled on sending them with their own pillow. All the parents of the other children say their kids don't have it, but I know these things didn't just appear out of thin air! Now I feel like I cannot trust anyone anymore. Ever. About anything. What should I do? |
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2009, 03:36:22 AM » |
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I would never have been able to open up a successful pot-holing business in my virgina
The smart ass in me wants to ask if you are referring to west virginia or virginia proper. I like to appear mature on the page, so I pass on that and ask 'Did you want to write vagina?' Dearest Nick You poor soul, it appears you have only ever encountered the common 'vagina'. Whilst this deformed sister of the rarer variety functions as a means to an end, it will never grasp you like the silken glove of the royal bloodline 'virgina'. One former lover compared the two as follows: The vagina is the Holiday Inn, the virgina is the Taj MahalWorry not though dearest Nick, apparently you can recreate the virgina experience with a toilet roll and a bag of scallops. Best Wishes Mary |
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Stop looking at my bottom
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Tobacco
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2009, 08:16:47 AM » |
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Y crybaby me me bla crybaby me me bla
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2009, 02:29:38 PM » |
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Dear Jenifer Sorry for the late reply, I was busy being man handled by a Portuguese fishing crew. The only sure fire way to ensure your kids stay lice free is to cover them in bleach, or staple a monkey to their back. I understand your mistrust of other parents. One of my children came home once with crockery sticking out of every orifice. It turns out the other kids father had got drunk and mistaken my morbidly obese child for a dishwasher. This case of yours is simple to overcome, if your child returns home with lice, go to a seedy bar and have sex with a dirty stranger. Then seduce the father of the 'friend' and pass on your army of newly acquired crabs. A week later send a note with lice stuck to it saying, 'now we're even.' The other option is to simply lock your children in the basement for the next 10 years. Although I tried that with one of mine and it got a bad case of rising damp. Best wishes Mary |
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astronacht
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« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2009, 02:40:58 PM » |
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Dear Mary, Whenever I cook for my boyfriend, the portions on each plate are always inevitably uneven: one plate always has more. I always take the one with more food. Always. Is this really love? |
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When you get blue and you've lost all your dreams, there's nothing like a campfire and a can of beans. |
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senryupsyched
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« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2009, 02:49:52 PM » |
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Patrick, Sounds like mode of passion. Dear Mary, My beretta's jammed and I'm here without a passport. Should I open another bottle of dry red? Ciao, BobbyG |
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2009, 02:57:52 PM » |
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Dear Undernether, Education is in a sad state of affairs. It used to be that unless you could flog a chicken to death with a ruler whilst reciting the Odyssey, then you would never make it beyond the front door. However, they'll now accept anyone as long as they've not touched drugs or a child in the last week (it's three days in Florida). So you want to remove this scab from your knee? This is a difficult question as the details you have provided are limited. I would suggest leaking a story to the local press that there is a French teacher in the local community who is smuggling babies into the country, in order to perform beauty product experiments on them. Then, gather up about half a dozen newborn babies and hide them in her handbag. One quick phone call later and you'll be smelling cheap wine and garlic in your dole queue. Good luck and best wishes Mary |
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Father Luke
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« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2009, 02:58:30 PM » |
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Dear Mary: Why are there so many lesbians and goatees and berets in Poetry? http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/- - Okay, Father Luke |
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"The castigation of fools is, of course, an ancient and honorable task of writers and, unless very poorly done, an enterprise that will usually entertain those who behold it." ~ Richard Mitchell |
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2009, 03:03:07 PM » |
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Dear Astronacht Usually I would say no, but having seen your boyfriend rolling around on google earth last night, I think you are restricting his diet as an act of love, albeit subconsciously. Eat away my friend Best wishes Mary |
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Dear Mary
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« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2009, 03:10:22 PM » |
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Dear BobbyG Your situation reminds me of one I once found myself in. A large Greek was trying to force himself on me but he couldn't get an erection. He found that a good glass of Cabernet Sauvignon did the trick. Hope it works for you Best wishes Mary |
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